This is not story about what narcissism or ego is. How recognize narcissism you can read here. I’ll gonna share with you true story, who only my family and close friends know. But now I decided to make it public for purpose, to help to diagnose this sickness. Narcissism for most of us look like nothing serous. Who knows, if I had end up in the same fate as my father, if wasn’t be spiritually awake and healed my past traumas.
When I remember myself as little girl, in mind come memories, when my parents were cursing each other or were in competition, who is more clever. Even until violence. Of course the marriage did not last for long. With me he never was gentle and loving father he should have been. His moves(as parent) was so clumsy and in lack of self esteem. Also he had problem with drinking.
After divorcing, my father moved to other side of town. He tried to make his life again. But unsuccessfully. He end up completely alone, unemployed(he got fired from every job because of his alcoholism). Many years of loneliness and alcoholism lasted(he never was sober). He never helped to me as parent(economically, mentally and never showed to me love). But I heard from people he judged me as not helping him economically. He was expecting to receive, not to give.
We stopped contact when I was in age about 10. He was so arrogant, self- centered and acted with pride. It was not possible to talk with this man. As years were passing, he never tried to reach me. I was in some point arrogant too, but the reason, why I did not search for him was his terrible attitude and fear of him(because he showed how violent he can become).
I judged him as bad parent and was not capable to understand him. Only after his tragic death I found out what was wrong with him.
The weird way I found out about his death(The story follows bellow).
That was sunny summer day, when I visited my mum in town(the same my father lived). I was in summer holidays with my daughter after 3 years(abroad). We were waiting for bus(before we left the town and went back to airport). I saw I drunk man laying down on the bench of bus station. My first thought was: “That could be my father.” Because he was all day long drunk, walking like ghost through the town and looked alike homeless, nobody gave attention to him.
Because he was laying with face down, I did not recognize the person. Somebody called to ambulance, because it seemed like for days he was there(and nobody gave attention because he was laying down on benches often). When ambulance arrived, the nurse confirmed his death. I heard, they looked for the identity of this man. My bus was arrived. As I stepped on the stairs of it, I heard the name and surname the nurse read from the identity card. It WAS MY FATHER… I was in shock, but I sat down in the bus. My pride (and worry to not loose the airplane because of this man, who never was worthy to be called as my father) did not let to stay there. I even not stayed for his burial. When my classmates sent to me commiseration, I replied with pride: “He had never been my father”. And as I found out later, nobody came to his burial, because he had no friends, no relatives(the only one who he had-was me). Nobody at all. All his life he was completely alone. He never let to love him, to take care of him. He did not knew how to talk normally. He acted with pride and arrogance. He though, he is too smart and too great- he was upon all humanity. Never showed compassion for nobody. But expected from others love, support and compassion about him. But with his terrible attitude he kept away anyone anyway.
I was shocked by this event. I asked to God-why? Why I was there in the exact moment, when just a seconds was crucial to see him there laying death on the bench? Is he just wanted to say me(and his grand daughter) goodbye?
The bitter truth is: my father had an mental illness, called narcissism.
But now I don’t judge him(not anymore). Now I know, he was sick. It was not his fault. The root of this sickness was childhood(teenage) trauma. (For info press here).
Let this tragic story open eyes to not judge nobody. To try to understand people around you. It’s easy to judge. The best you can do is: do research. Give help, who is in need. Rise your awareness. Question everything. Our reality is not what you think it is.
Share this story by helping to recognize narcissism before it’s too late! It’s not innocent as it look like.
Leave your thoughts or story in the comments(bellow).